Three things:
1) Yesterday I took the purchasing card and went to Walmart to buy supplies for my class. That was a thrill. And a little nerve-wracking. I mean, we're supposed to be frugal, and I kept thinking "not my money, not my money...has to last all year, has to last all year." But I bought some good stuff. And some maybe not good stuff (opening activity for child development...could be a bust.)
2) Yesterday, the teacher who retired came back to help me with some stuff that has been really confusing, but that I have to use because the district said so. She was trying to walk me through it, and first of all, SHE had no idea what she was talking about, so she couldn't teach me, and I just thought to myself "really? How did you teach this? I bet your kids were bored silly." And then the custodian came in and I asked her about my disposals and the former teacher said "What?! No! You need those disposals! They throw away a lot of stuff!" And I said "yeah, but 6th graders are springy, so they can just take the trash out for me." She looked horrified and she looked like what she really wanted to say was "This is my kitchen! Don't you dare change my program! Leave the !#)%(& disposals!" But she didn't say that. Instead she said "Well, that's a hard decision to make, but I'm not the one who has to make them anymore." At that point, I just wanted her out of my classroom. That may be terrible of me, but I realized that I am the teacher now, and I have the choice to do what I want to with my students. And I don't need it to be approved by her.
3) I went back to my parent's house yesterday because my little brother received his eagle scout award (Yay little brother!) and spent the night. Today I stuck around doing laundry and running errands. When it was time for me to come back, I just put it off and put it off. It was hard to come back today. I was dreading all the work that I have to do in my room. I was dreading the fear and terror that I know is inevitable. I was dreading the feeling of inadequacy. I just wanted to be in college again and not really having responsibility. This being-a-teacher thing is hard work. But I have chosen this life and I have to do it. I will do it--I will work in my room, and I will work to help my students. And I will enjoy myself while I do it. (And if I don't, I'm going to be miserable and wish that I had dropped out of college to work at McDonalds, because you don't have to think critically there.)
~The Teacher
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